The first two days…

They whisked Thomas and Trey off to the NICU and got me cleaned up and moved to recovery. For the first time in 33 weeks I was without the twins. The hour that I had to wait seemed like an eternity.

FINALLY.

I was able to walk to the NICU to see them. I peaked into the isolettes and stared at their faces that were overtaken by a bubble CPAP. It felt like I had stepped back in time and was reliving Timmy and Erin’s NICU journey all over again.

At first you feel helpless. As a mom you are supposed to be able to make everything better. You’re supposed to be able take them in your arms and kiss away the boo-boos.

But you can’t even even touch them.

All you can do is stare. As I walked back to my room I felt guilty for leaving them.

The doctors and nurses tell you to try and get some sleep, but no matter your level of exhaustion, you can’t turn your brain off. You can’t stop thinking about your babies.

You struggle through the pain of pumping because that is all you have to offer. Feelings of defeat creep in when an hour of pumping leaves you with less a milliliter of milk. You walk back down to the NICU and hand the tiny syringe to the nurse. She updates you on the orders placed by the neonatologist. As you listen closely your brain focuses in on words like intubation and chest tube. The babies that were safe and sound in your tummy less than 24 hours ago are now being poked and prodded constantly. Machines that are supposed to help them end up causing other issues. It’s only day one and you feel like your NICU journey is going to last forever.

By day two, new challenges have presented themselves. The pumping you’ve been doing every two hours, to get you milk supply to come in, leaves your nipples sore and raw. It leaves your stomach aching from the cramps caused by you uterus contracting, and the reward of ounces of milk or the bond between you and your nursing infant are unforeseeable.

You’ve been discharged from the hospital, so you walk to tell your babies goodbye and that you will be back soon. Before you leave the nurse let’s you know that one of the parents can do skin to skin with one baby. Just one parent though, and just one baby. No one can hold the other baby yet. The intubation and chest tube have to come out before that can happen. It could be days or even weeks. No one can give you an answer, because no one really knows.

You work to prepare yourself for what lies ahead. You work to prepare yourself for the ups and downs of your upcoming days in the NICU, but it’s my second time here and I’m still so unprepared.

STAY TUNED…